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| Oh Deer! |
I have some friends that don't cycle. Yes it's true, strange creatures I'll admit and an account of yesterdays adventure may just strengthen their reasons for not wanting to partake in the wonderful world of group-cycling.
For yesterdays planned 135km ride ended for my part after 38kms with an ambulance ride complete with a cervical collar, what looked like minced-meat where my right knee should have been, a sore head and selection of various drugs whose job it was to keep me relaxed, happy and gung-ho through-out the day!
Setting the scene
We were about 35 riders that started the day, splitting eventually into 4 groups.
The group I was in numbered 11 and as the sun kissed our our bodys, hungry for that big ball of yellow warmth eminating from the heavens we pedalled through the undulating landscape splashed with the colours of freshly blooming shoots of trees, limegreen and sparkling above the earthy brown of tilled earth awaiting the summers crops to burst through the top-soil like a deep-sea diver returning from the depths gasping for air. I digress.
Communication
When cycling, communication is of the utmost importance. Two columns of cyclists riding at about 30km/h need to keep eachother informed. "Next right after the bridge" "Take it easy up the hill", "Car behind waiting to overtake, keep it narrow" "Hold the line" etc etc. Other forms of communication involve a basic sign-language where the riders at the front may point at objects on the road to avoid, or slow down, turn left, right etc, and these signs are copied by all down to the last rider in the group.
When matters go pear-shaped!
Imagine then my surprise, whilst cycling at the front of the group in the right-hand column when first, my ears detect sounds of unease and anxiety and then as I look to my left instead of seeing my cycling companion Kenji, I am met with the head of the mother of Bambi! Big doughy-eyes galloping at me and my first two thoughts "Fuck!" Excuse the expletive, for sure, had I been at the zoo with a small child we would have cooed "awwww!" but this was definitely a moment for something more punchy, I was short on time and needed something quick for my brain to convey to my body that this wasn't gonna be a visit to the zoo.
My second thought "The bike!!"
Learning to fly
Getting hit by this galloping bundle of woodland fur and muscle I remember trying to parry the hit, my back wheel locked or just slid a bit as the bike turned slightly sideways but control was lost.
Had I more time I would have remembered the words of Douglas Adams, author of "Hitchikers guide to the Galaxy" being interviewed on Primrose hill and quoting 'Ford Prefect' in "Life the Universe and everything' Ford quotes the guide:
"The Guide says there is an art to flying, or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." I didn't miss.
The impact.
I remember my hands making the first contact with Ground-zero, then my right leg, the marks on my helmet confirm that this was followed by the right side of my head bouncing up, at least twice, and then my first thought since "Fuck!" and that was "Fuck this is not good" as I felt the flesh being torn from my right knee as I slid ever onwards like one of those crashing planes on the runway of a Bruce Willis film that never seem to want to come to a stop.
I did come to a stop, eventually, right arm limp at my side, my left hand up holding my helmet as I smelt the earth and the grass at the verge of the road. I was in the ditch and thinking once again (sorry) "what the fuuuuuuck ...." and then a fleeting thought "I hope that deer has run off and isn't hanging around to start stamping on me ......"
Action!I rolled over to my my right against the bank of the ditch and on to my back. I decided not to move. Just do a systems check of my bodily functions first. There was certainly noise around me, I don't remember much, I do remember thinking, 'Shit, what happened to Kenji? did he turn into a deer?! and then my first visitor arrived.
Here, a little note to anyone who's ever involved in an incident where someone goes down hard.
Get to them quick? Yes
Secure the road around the incident to warn other travellers? Well yes.
Find out if they are compos mentis? For sure.
Post Facebook messages about the incident with cryptic messages such as "Hope it went better for Gary than it looked"? - mmm No, no not the best idea perhaps, family and nearest need to be informed first.
Press your body weight down through your hand on their chest whilst asking how they are? ooo No, no! You probably shouldn't do that. And my appologies to you sir if I sounded angry at the time but there was a slight question of pain caused by the sudden depression of my chest down towards the earth and I needed it to stop, quickly.
Visitors
I think my next visitor was Rickard Rauge. Legendary Ice Hockey keeper of the local team Vita Hästen (White Horses). "Thank God I don't have the typical cyclists body, more of a boxers" I quipped, "it will take more than a tumble to break this collarbone!" - I said, laying there as he performed a very good version of a lunar eclipse.
Then I was greeted by Susanne. "Gary, how you doing? I'm a qualified nurse, let me look at you", palpating my neck gently, checking my eyes, my knee, my chest ..... "Your collarbone's broken."
"ok ... How's the bike?" - (thinking . Fuck!")
Ambulance called
I understood I needed an ambulance, a beautiful elderly couple stopped and allowed us to use their phone.
I heard someone say there were 2 deers, I seem to remember Lena saying she landed on top of the second one as it lay under a pile of cyclists and that there was some fur on her bike (don't let activitsts see that) and she had cleaned the bike so well before this ride :(
Johan took command of ths situation brilliantly. Firing off orders and commands to the rest of the group and hung around till my daughter Camilla could come out and get my bike.... My Bike! .... *gulp* don't want to know ... yet!
To Hospital
Well, the worst was done, I was picked up by the ambulance crew as the Emergency services closed one side of the road. Given a canular in my arm, blood taken, morphine administered and suddenly the smile came back to my lips. Once in the hospital the team that received me were amazing.
Going through the routines as they checked me for damage. It was like being in Grey's Anatomy.
I was genuinely bloody impressed. A Massive thankyou to Doctor Pamela and the team.
Whisked off to x-ray twice, my clavicular was definitely broken, a fragment had broken off and had placed itself rather awkwardly. We needed the surgeons opinion before I could take off the cervical collar, which was getting more and more uncomforatble by the minute but it was a busy day for skeletal injuries apparently and he was busy in theatre. More morphine, my battery was getting lower on my mobile and my good friend Anna came out with a charger. Life-saver.
Going home
My kids were in contact via sms and calls, my girlfriend Anna, 400kms away was somewhat concerened but as I assured her, I was in great hands. and as messages poured in offering words of comfort and encouragement, The Doctor told me I could leave, once I was given som heavy-duty drugs and a prescription for more.
Putting on cycling clothes isn't always easy at the best of times, with a bandaged up leg and a broken collarbone it was nigh-on imposible. So I left the building with a pair of standard blue hospital trousers 'one-size fits nobody' and a mitella to support the arm.
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| the one hundred year old man who climbed out of a window and disappeared?? |
And nowNeed a new helmet. Job done! And more drugs!
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| Helmet and drugs.Good name for a band |
So now I'm a real cyclist!
The Word in cycling communities is you're not a real cyclist till you've broken your collarbone! YAAAY!
My trip to Italy this Friday is off though and only time will tell if Vätternrundan in 5 weeks is conceivable.
Yet as my good friend Johan said. One tear from a Fenix can heal all wounds. Here's to that - Cheers!
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| we shall rise again |
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