Breaking a collarbone ...

... or the things you never knew, thought of, or cared about, till you do it!

2 weeks ago, almost to the day I broke my collarbone in what I can only describe today as a "Freak cycling accident".
That is to say, the accident itself was freaky, I'm not denying my own personal freakyness in any way. I fear that fact was established mannnny moons ago!

Background!
So, sure, I was hit by a freakin' (see, I told you it was freak) Bambi who wanted to steal my bike. Sending me plummeting to mother earth it then had the gaul to kick me a couple of times just for good measure. NEVER kick a man when he's down, a cyclist sure, but not a man! (bastard)

So, what will you find out during this time and how can you prepare!

Pillows!
Yes pillows, those fluffy things you are accustomed to resting your head on at night, propping up that body on the sofa watching Game of Thrones, or something your pet dog shags in a moment of unbridled passion!
You will need pillows to prop you up in bed at night. Because for the first week to 10-days you will be on your back in bed (for medical reasons) and lifting your body up with the aid of your stomach muscles will be painful. Keep a book by the bed too, preferably on the side of the bed opposite to the break.
Tip: To get up from a lying down position: Hold against the breakpoint with the hand on the same side of the break, place your other hand behind your bent knee and rock yourself up into a sitting position! Et Voila!

Pillows, Flexible fellows with a variety of uses
.

Getting dressed!

You never fully appreciate the collarbone untill you try to put on your clothes. Whether its putting on socks, tying up your shoes or pulling up your trousers after a toilet visit? It's all a pain in the derrier.
If you don't have any shirts? You will need to stock up on a couple. You may have not realised, but there is a good reason why the doctors cut the shirt from your back after the accident.  T-shirts, jumpers and sweaters are out for the foreseeable future.
Hands up if you agree!

Shirt YES, t-shirt NO

Stretching!

Eddy Merkcxysksk (or however he spells his bloody name) apparently was cited as saying: "If I lost a race, it was because I didn't train right, not because I didn't stretch".
Now I'm sort of with Eddy on that, I know that stretch has its uses, it can feel great and never more so in the morning after waking up.
Well FORGET it!

Your daily-morning hands reaching high above your head as your body contorts in a re-inactment of a poisoned rat' stretch is out! Like out out. Not out the door out, like "out the door, in a taxi get me to the airport first flight to cape Canaveral and rocket to the moon" kinda out!
You're gonna have to learn to stretch posing like a body-builder flexing abs.
Because trust me, after just 2 days of lying still on your back you will want to stretch.
Arms down by your side and work that torso, you may even yawn here adding extra effect and as you feel your spine creak and groan with pleasure your mind will tell you, 'go on, put your arms up.' Let me just add. DON'T!
The mind is an evil bastard, don't give in to it.

The Toilet!

No need to be sensitive, we all do it (well apart from the Queen).
when emptying the Kings Chamber you will need to clean up after you. If you're right-handed and you've broken your right collarbone? No can do.
No matter whether you attack from the front or the back, it's just not do-able.
Tip: Just as with 'onani' train the other hand or get a friend to help you, you don't want to end up like this guy!

MAMA!!

Your sling!
You may find that wearing the sling freezes up your elbow and your shoulder. If it feels better not wearing it, then my advice is don't. IF however you need to go to the shops, catch a bus or a train then wear it and wear it well. Make it visible, none of this jacket like a cape over the shoulder nonsense.

You want others to see and take note that you have an injury, KEEP OUT OF MY WAY BITCH - As Jessie Pinkman may have said - See Breakin' Bad

Tip: Some won't get out of your way, so you will need to be light on your feet in a weird version of 'Dodgeball´. Get good at it, or get hit, and get hurt.

Beware! Some are less thoughtful than others!

And Finally!
Eating and training.
If like me you have been accustomed to doing a few rides a week and eating accordingly, don't cut back now. Your body will still require a certain amount of food whilst it's repairing itself. Don't be silly, feed it, and feed it well. Perhaps a little more protein and fat than normal and a little less carbs but do it. Compliment this with long walks. After a week you may be able to get to your local gym and sit on a spinning bike with the handlebars raised high. Just pedal air. Keep your arse used to it. When it's time, you don't want to return to the bike out of breath and 5 kilos heavier.
And whatever you do, don't return to the bike too early. Be smart. There is a pothole out there waiting to test your clavicula. Better to wait an extra week than balls it all up and go back to square 1.

My standard meal just now.
Swedish cheesecake, cottage cheese, cream, berries &5% yoghurt
.... oh and a cheese sandwich on rye