Imagine if you will breaking down, your head feeling like it's going to burst at any moment, thoughts constantly pounding away inside your head leaving no room for anything else for longer than a few minutes at a time. Imagine feeling like you've had a mental breakdown, every day of the year for a whole year...
This year was a year of learning. A year of trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with people, what hte hell was wrong with me, of a life falling apart all around me while others judged from a far, but also from up close.
They say when the going gets tough, the tough get going ... but what about when the going gets intolerable, when the surroundings beat down on you without mercy or thought, when at every turn eyes are condemning you for what they think they know to be true, when lies are rolled of the tongue with virtual ease and aloofness!! What then?
In a year that saw me not fall from grace but plummet, once you hit the bottom there's not much else you can do but swim about in the myre for as long as it takes till you can gather the strength and presence of mind to start working your way back.
The problem there is, that working your way back is often darker, more intense and filled with illusion than at the bottom of the pit. It's not when you're at the bottom that you are most at danger, it is the climb back out;
For it's now that you start to read into signs, interrogate yourself, question your own mind over and over again, when you don't want to weigh down friends with your troubles.
I sang, I played guitar, I rode, I planned and yet all the time a hideous shadow hung over me like a heavy velvet cloak, weighing me ever down.
I sought help from professionals, but the release was always only temporary. And deep down inside I always knew "The answer lies within yourself". It's a process I had to go through.
I see myself as an honourable man. As a Knight would, I stake my honour on my honesty. Yet even Sir Galahad fell and so did I. Gullable to the whims of another I faulted and for the first time as an adult, I lied. I have only ever lied to one person. My ex-wife. The result of which has tormented me for years. And as the torment grew, I knew it was part of the process I needed to endure. Rats clawed at my integrity, whittled down my resilience and on two occasions I lashed out.
My sister told me that sometimes 'enough is enough' and when people take liberties with your Liberty and do not relent, then all you can do is to meet them on their own level. In 2010 i created havoc, leaving scars with one such liberty-taker that will no doubt last a lifetime, but I pray and hope that that one particular person learnt an invaluable lesson.
In 2011 a second such liberty-taker struck. Clad in charm and a disguise that would have put Morgan le Faye to shame. This time though liberties took on a different form, character was assasinated in the cruelest way. Honour was chipped and whittled away at like a sculpture with a hammer and chisel constantly trying to get it right but getting it all so wrong. and so the darkness grew around me only to culminate in the most magnificent flagrant attempts to pull the definitive wool over the Eyes that left me astounded ... this was the coup de grace that left me fumbling helplessly in the wasteland.
In July a cruel twist of fate saw the departure of one of lifes greats way to early. A man whose magnitude whose simple yet honest view on life will be sorely missed. Life momentarily shook into perspective.
By November I was desperate, hounds were still baying, and in December a second twist of fate almost removed a close and dear friend from our sides. ... a second reality check ... and here in one flash of final desperation I could figure out no other option but to head directly to source in order to cure my ever thumping mind, to cast out the demons haunting me ...
The result was astounding. And as cryptic as this may sound to the reader, if ever this gets seen, 2014 has seen me rise with a clean sheet and an abundance of newly found resilience.
Life really is too short to let it determine my rocky path.
I can't finish this ... because this is just the start ...
but thankyou to all of my friends that stood by me, and though I don't like the thought of mentioning names for fear of leaving out someone, I must all the same give an extra special thanks to my Children, my ex-wife Gabriella, my sisters Sue and Jane. To Maria the Angel, Alexander, Billy, Andy, the Hack family, Anna, (my Pirate in the West) Tove in the South, Anna and Stefan, Daniel and Martin (for listening) Garry Jones for taking my mind completely off most things, Lena my train companion, Cristian (you know why) The Laghers, Bitte, Johnny, Patrik J and last but certainly not least, that small Elf-like creature that has emigrated to the Southern shores of Vättern - Elna!
I wish each and every one of you the best that 2014 can afford to offer.
Love, light and Peace.
Tomaz. R.I.P.
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